Surreal grocery shopping

•May 22, 2011 • 1 Comment

For awhile now, many people have shared with me the wonder that is Aldi Food Market.  I haven’t had the pleasure of patronizing the establishment as there hasn’t been one near me.  However, this did not sadden me. Immediately upon hearing of it the first time, I had some unsettling feeling about it.  I immediately began to picture a warehouse that had high shelves where food was just strewn about in any manner.  No rhyme. No reason.  Tuna was with cereal and frozen burritos were next to the cashews.

This, of course, was not how it was described to me, so the previous statements are strictly my imagination running rampant.

It was not immediately brought to my attention that this place sold fresh produce and meat products.  This took my unease to an entirely different level.  I was convinced (again, only in my head) that there were shipments of chicken wings sent in by the truck load and some guy was in the back, haphazardly wrapping up the appendages in plastic wrap… perhaps even a feather or two remained.  It was all entirely unsanitary and I was not having that!

But then something happened.

An Aldi opened just down the road.  And a coupon came for it.

After some serious “gearing up” I made my way to Aldi today. I had some anxiety.  What if my fears of this place were right?  What would I do?  I was very nervous. So nervous that I almost drove a full circle around the building and headed home.  But I bucked up and went in.

First.  You have to put a quarter in to get your cart.  That’s fine.  Except I couldn’t figure out how to do it.  Seems like it should be an easy task, but after about 15 seconds I began to think that there were cameras filming me for Candid Camera.  Eventually I succeeded and off I went.

Through the doors, I was immediately thrown off by the one way route.  I couldn’t turn. I had to go straight and this started off my panic.  How was I supposed to peruse the aisle if I knew people were piling up behind me on this one way route?  I couldn’t peruse, so I just moved.

I was thrown off by this world of food that looked like brand name food until you really looooooked at it.  For example, there is a jar a box of Cheerios…uh…no…Cheerioats.  Hm.

I decided it best to give Aldi a far shot and just go up and down the aisle as quickly as possible, buy some stuff and get the heck out of there.  In my panicked state of mind, I bought some seriously random stuff:

~ nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips (sampled and they are gross)
~ fruity rice crisps cereal (i.e., Fruity Pebbles… a cereal I have NEVER purchase.  Why would I now??)
~ regular rice crisp cereal
~ swiss rolls (little Debbie style…yet called “Bakers Treats”.  Sampled and rather tasty.)
~ marshmallows (at least now I can my rice crispy treats)
~ string cheese
~ filet wrapped in bacon!!  (Why???  Well, it was only $1.99.  That’s why.)

The above came to less than $15 dollars and my coupon was only valid on a purchase of over $30.  I wasn’t going to go back to save $5.  I had to get outta there.

So at the check out, the cashier did the whole scan my items and toss them in the previous customer’s empty cart and sent me on my way.  I was sent on my way to a wall that resembled a very long baby changing table.  It is in this area of the store where you bag your groceries. I sensed that I was going to start talking to myself about how odd this whole experience had been, so I booked it outta there.

Returning my cart was a much less stressful scenario (and not just because I could watch the guy next to me do it).  I got my quarter and I headed home.

It has been determined that a.) I was not ready for this adventure as a solo trip and b.) I’m unlikely to return anytime soon.

Check out those legs!

•April 21, 2011 • 1 Comment

It seems only appropriate that I disappear from the blog world and then pop back up with a new & exciting tale of a weird creature in my home.  Right?

The other night, while cooking I see crawling across the floor a house centipede.  They are gross.  They are big and scary looking and they have no business being in my house.  I have only seen one before and that was several years ago.  It was crawling near the ceiling then and I recall my reaction to it being FAR more dramatic than it was the other night.  I’m pretty sure that there was some sort of exclamatory expletive and then screaming “WHAT IS THAT THING???” and I believe Wade’s reaction was on a similar level.  That’s just how creepy they are.  But the other night I didn’t react at all really.  I just grabbed a glass and put it over the centipede and left it in the middle of the kitchen floor to ultimately die.  

The following morning, Wade told me that during the night the centipede got out from underneath the glass but it was dead so it’s ok.  I will blame one of the cats for its escape and demise because it only made it about two inches away from the glass.   Just in case, however, Wade put the glass back over the dead centipede.

Me: Good thing they aren’t poisonous since the cats were playing with it.
W: They are poisonous.
Me: No they aren’t! Remember we looked it up and they are creepy but harmless?
W:  Oh. Well.  It’s one of those…  poisonous or harmless.

And now this leads to a new segment I shall call:  Zuzu’s Lame Comedy Hour!

A man had a magic centipede who lived with him and did all of chores.  The man had him cooking and cleaning and they hung out and played card games.  It was loads of fun.  One day the man asked the centipede to go get his mail.  The centipede left and was gone for hours and hours… the man got worried and went to look for him.  He opened the front door and the centipede was on the door mat. 
Man: What are you doing?? I asked you to get the mail HOURS ago!
Centipede:  Hold your horse, Buddy!  I have to put on my shoes!

Describe the owner…

•February 1, 2011 • Leave a Comment

At work this weekend, like during any function, there was a smattering of items that were collected in Lost & Found.  The usual suspects include wallets (easily identifiable), a mitten, keys and cell phones.  No exception, there were a variety of cell phones that turned up.

With any of L&F items, there is some attempt to determine the owner – forensics if you will – prior to retiring it to the official revolving L&F file that is ultimately going to be a box of crap that no one claims.  Wallets are the easiest obviously.  Open, grab the ID, page the person.  Bam! Reunited!

Next easiest is the cell phone.   Slightly more of a challenge as one’s name is usually not readily available.  However, when the person notices that their cell phone has gone missing, they will more often than not, call it in hopes of: a) hear it ringing in their pocket/close vicinity or b) the finder of the cell phone will answer it.  Nine times out of ten, the finder is more than willing to part with the cell (unless it’s a really nice one and then ransom or a trade may be involved).

We (one of the Amy’s) were fortunate enough to have been delivered a lost cell phone.  I plan to provide you with some basic info and based on this info, you should comment with whom (some description) you think the owner is:

Phone:
~ Blue flip phone with full keyboard
~ Plastic protective case – scratched… clearly doing it’s job
~ Front screen had a sports logo and ”❤❤ Abbe❤ <3″

Content: Info acquired only from first glance; we did not look at private info or contact info
~ (12) New Text Messages
~ Incoming call was from “Mom”

We called Mom back when we missed her call.  Mom said that they’d be in to grab the phone.  And moments later, in walked Mom and _______

Based on the provided info, who is the owner?  Be as detailed as possible.

Also, in hindsight, Amy and I strongly regret NOT reading the 12 new text messages.

 

 

I love my dogs, but…

•July 30, 2010 • 2 Comments

The Man and/or Big Brother know every move I/we make.  So when I purchase items from Drs. Foster & Smith for my “kids” it seems that any animal-related company is now in the loop and will send me info and catalogs.  Sometimes they miss the mark all together and I receive some literature on keeping parrots in your home, but other times they nail it – or so I thought – and I get fun catalogs.  Such a catalog arrived yesterday from a company called In the Company of Dogs.  This sounds right up my alley. 

I settled in to check out all the products I would not purchase for my pets.  I love them dearly, but they just don’t require much more than a lap to sleep on, plenty of food and water, and lots of love.  If I buy them toys, they will most likely prefer the packaging or the shoe that is next to the packaging versus what is in the box. 

That point aside, In the Company of Dogs offers some items that I would not purchase, but I’m just dying to meet the people who do (I may get another post out of it!)! 

The Belmont Feeder

Belmont Feeder Small

Classic fluted design with heavy pedestal base prevents tipping while providing optimum height for ease and healthy digestion. Cast resin with finely aged bronze finish. Removable stainless-steel bowls.   **Recommended to dress your pooch in their finest toga before all meals.  Also, be sure that each of your pets receives the same amount of food during each meal service to avoid any paw lashing and shrieks of “Et tu Brute!”

Doggy Treadmill

Dog Treadmill Small

Give your dog a great workout he’ll enjoy every day, regardless of weather! Treadmill exercise improves a dog’s health and well-being, as it helps increase muscle tone, reduce obesity, relieve excess energy, improve vitality and increase lifespan. Sturdy, dog-friendly design features whisper-quiet operation with programmable time and distance, adjustable speed settings and incline options, side rails and treat holders. Easy to clean, transport and store.  **Oooo…Easy to transport!  Exactly what everyone needs in their treadmill.  Note:  Leash laws may or may not be applicable in your home.

Pet Waste Power Vac

Pet Waste Power Vac

Cordless Pet Waste Power Vac The next generation in hands-free pooper-scooper technology, ingenious Pooch Power™ cordless yard vacuum picks up your whole lawn in one clean sweep! Lightweight yet powerful, it suctions up waste and deposits it directly into biodegradable plastic bags for quick, efficient cleanup. No bending; no messy shovels. Use it daily, or pick up a week’s worth of waste at a time!  **For the folk so lazy they have to buy their dog a treadmill, now you don’t have to bend over to pick up after your pooch either!  

Anti-Lick Strip

Anti-Lick Strip Prevent Small

An easy, safe and effective deterrent to obsessive licking and chewing behaviors. Unique, medical-grade adhesive bandage strips coated with all-natural organic powders are clinically proven to protect hot spots, granulomas and post-surgical sites. A great alternative to sprays and bulky E-collars.  **I’m not against this product.  Alex could actually benefit from this… However, this bracelet costs more than a lot of my jewelry. 

These are just some of the silly items.  Rest assured, In the Company of Dogs will probably be getting my business anyway (assuming I can swing free shipping) because look how cute these are:

Pop Art Collar Bright Stripe X SmallMy girls are due for some new collars…

Summer Buzz Ribbon Collars Blue Flower X Small

Snakes On A Plane 2 – Even Snakier

•July 28, 2010 • 2 Comments

Setting:  My Living Room Scene:  I’m attempting
to print a recipe for muffins.  The printer that is rarely
used is putting up a fight and refusing to spit out a single
printed sheet.  The printer claims “Paper Jam” and
“Communication Error.”  I attempt to mend this problem by
unplugging the printer at which time something catches my
eye.  And…. ACTION! Me:  huh…. that was odd
(I think).  Wade! Can you help me?  I’m pretty
sure there is something in the printer and it’s going like
this.  I mimic something flicking its tongue at me.
Wade:  [looking at me like I am
insane.] 
Really? Me:  Really!  It’s
going like this.  [I mimic again.]
Wade:  Are you serious enough for me to take the printer
outside. Me: Yes! Wade: Ok.  [He picks up the
printer and looks in it. ]
  Huh… well isn’t
that interesting.  Can you get the door for me? Me:  Is
there something in there? Wade: Yes.  Can you get the door?
Me:  [Running ahead of him I open the door]
Is it a lizard?  (*side note… there aren’t many
lizards in New England… not sure why I would think there would be
a lizard in my living room) Wade:  No.  [Walks
a significant distance from the house and puts the printer on the
ground]
Scene:  We are now in the front yard with a
printer.  Wade has just opened the top of the printer and I
simultaneously scream, run away and shriek “I’m getting the
camera!”  I return with the camera and a 5 foot stick. 
As I keep a safe distance and poke the printer with the a stick,
Wade stands by to take photos:

Hello. Im living in your
printer.

Bet
youre wondering how long Ive been there.

Youll
never know. Im outta here!


 Some additional notes: 1.  The snake was 2 1/2 ft. long.
2.  I have four animals who are all on probation now for not
killing this visitor. 3.  I’ve not moved yet, but I’m strongly
considering it.  4.  Wade felt bad (not real bad, but bad
enough) for thinking I was insane.  5.  This REALLY
happened!!!!!!

I don’t understand

•July 14, 2010 • 6 Comments

There are some things that I’ve found confusing recently. Please explain:

1.  When one takes out an audiobook on CD from the library how is it that every disc gets ridiculously scratched?  What are these people doing to these discs?  I’m currently on the 6th disc of something like 23 discs and each one has looked like it was put on the bottom of someones shoe while they walked in gravel.  When I have a disc, I take it out of the sleeve, insert it into the CD player and listen and then return it to it’s safe home in the sleeve.  Rarely does it come in contact with sandpaper / gravel / coarse salt or anything of the like.

2.  My girl George has spoken of this one, but it continues to confuse me – How do people lose one shoe on the side of the road?  And Wade just pointed out to me that lately he has seen multiple books on the side of the road.  I asked him how many “multiple” was… on average, how many instances per day does he see these books sitting on the side of the road?  His answer: THREE PER DAY!!!  Can you believe it! 

3.  Sort of related to the above question, why would someone sell – and more importantly, why would someone buy – a single shoe from ebay?  I’m all about the Christian Louboutin shoes, but I want two of them!!  Is there a great demand for individual shoes?  It seems to me, that if I were to only have one leg/foot and wanted to purchase one shoe, a Louboutin heel would not be the best option. 

Oh my gosh!  I just scrolled down further on the link above and it turns out there is a whole outlet specifically for single shoes!  Who knew!?

I think I have a gift

•July 7, 2010 • 5 Comments

I’ve suspected for sometime, but it was confirmed yesterday, that I may be psychic.  Crazy, right? 

Let’s not get too excited.  Yet. 

So far my psychic abilities have been limited to things that just really don’t matter.  Nothing cool like lottery numbers or anything that could be beneficial in the “party trick” category. 

I’m limited in my skills so far.  I noticed my gift first as it pertained to books I was reading.  I don’t necessarily have a reading list.  I read a book, finish it and then wait for the next book to “speak to me” to let me know that’s what I should read.  (Did you just call me crazy?)

Without fail, the book I have just finished has some odd connection to the next book I pick up.  For example, I just finished The Lies We Told by Diane Chamberlain  (so good, by the way!) and that day I bought a new book, Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah.  Two very unrelated books, except they both have a character named Tully in it.  WHAT are the odds.  Stupid stuff like that happens all the time. 

See nothing that matters or has any bearing on anyone’s life.  It’s just weird.

But the confirmation that I’m psychic happened on my drive home yesterday.  There I was, cruising along, listening to my tunes.  My iPod was on shuffle and I had just completed belting out Moon River (singing back up to the amazingly talented Patti Griffin) and before the song was over, I started singing “Helping the kids out of their coats…” – the first line to Mushaboom by Feist.  Then a second later it was on! 

Let’s just reiterate:  iPod on shuffle… at least 175 songs on that playlist… and I started singing the next song.

Psychic. 

Now I just need to figure out a way to make this occur on a more regular basis, as well as have some purpose.  ‘Cause the sole purpose right now is to just freak me out… and even then it’s short-lived.

 
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