On my way

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my cognitive behavioral therapist to get started in kicking my emetophobia.  It was a long afternoon, but very insightful.  And most importantly, it gave me a strong feeling of hope that I will get over this – and soon.

I spoke with someone about my fear and my anxiety that surrounds this and she asked all the right questions.  There was so much I wanted to say – to admit to – but I didn’t know how to say it until I was asked.  It was alarming to me that expressing the phobia made it that much more real. I had been in denial about it for so long and then once I admitted to myself – and eventually others – that I had this problem, it began to make a more obvious presence in my daily life.  Now I’ve talked about.  Now I know that I am not alone.  And now I know that many, many people have had great success in conquering this fear.

After my talk, we both met with the lead psychologist and discussed options.  I decided to go with the basic option of one-on-one therapy.  It’s not what one would typically think of when hearing the word ‘therapy’.  This will involve a lot of uncomfortable work on my part. 

Generally speaking, I’m going to get over my phobia by fully being exposed to it.  This will involve watching videos, listening to audio of the actual act, forcing myself to be in situations where I would normally choose to remove myself.  The key is to experience the full extent of the anxiety that goes along with it versus removing myself before the anxiety gets too bad.  The theory behind this is that if I begin to force myself through the toughest part of my anxiety, I’ll eventually realize that it just isn’t so bad.  Desensitizing. 

I think that the most difficult part about this process is going to be having to stop doing one of my most reliable defense mechanisms.  When someone says they aren’t well, I immediately begin my line of questioning.  It’s purely selfish questioning to protect myself and it is disguised in a blanket of concern.  Don’t get me wrong – I do care.  I don’t ever want someone to be unwell, but it is – sadly – more important in that moment to know:  How is this going to effect me?  How is this going to increase my anxiety? 

Well, no more.  I am not allowed to do that.  Now I have to go with the flow, even if that flow is headed towards anxiety.  It’s the only way I can get over this.  And I will get over it. 

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~ by zuzu on April 18, 2008.

6 Responses to “On my way”

  1. This is going to be hard work, but probably one of the most rewarding things you’ve ever done. Good luck!

  2. Good luck! I know you’re going to get through it. xoxo

  3. You’re going to do great. I know you’ll get through it. xoxo

  4. Good luck! I bet it will be wonderful to finally be free of it.

  5. kick it! we got your back.

  6. […] my usual readers, you know I’m dealing with the treatment of my phobia , and this week I was given a homework assignment that I’m hoping you can/will help me with.  […]

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